Drive on the left and ride on the lift
It's bob and david.
( Applause )
Thank you.
Thank you, thanks for coming out.
Oh, wow.
Hello, everyone.
Well you have joined us on a very special occasion.
It is our blooper night.
That's right,
With the help of the blooper-Tron 3,000,
We'll take a look at some moments from mr. Show
That didn't go quite the way we wanted them to.
Let's look at our first clip from a show
Where bob got a little too upset.
( Applause )
Oh, man.
Okay.
Did you see your face ?
Okay, okay.
Now in the next clip, a certain david cross--
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's watch that again.
Backwards, backwards !
Alright, c'mon, cut it out !
That is enough !
You always have to push everything, you know ?
You want to see a blooper, huh ?
Yeah, we got dressed up and everything.
Alright, alright, smart mouth.
Sherry, roll that thing.
You know.
* 'cause i'm a superstar... *
* in a superstar machine *
* taking it to the stars *
* oh, emotion lotion
How did you get that ?
* emotion lotion
What the ?
Alright, alright. Okay.
Sherry, why don't you roll that blooper
I was showing around the office earlier.
Hey, man... you wanna party ?
( Applause )
Hey, bob, bob.
Hey man, umm...
So, do you still like to party ?
Okay ! I was just out of college,
I didn't know what i wanted to do with my life.
You think that's embarrassing ?
Roll that other, c'mon, roll it !
* make it alright
* emotion lotion
That's the same thing, you already showed that.
I got hours of that, man.
Alright.
Okay, okay, you know what ?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was not gonna do this.
Sherry, roll that other blooper.
Look.
I'm sorry, mr. And mrs. Odenkirk,
It's simply too late to have an abortion.
Your son is four-Years-Old.
Mommy, what's a gagortion ?
( Laughing )
Ultimate blooper !
You got me !
Okay, we tallied your votes,
And the top blooper of the night
Is either "upsy-Daisy",
"What's a gagortion", or "secret superstar".
David...
And the winner is...
( Drum roll )
"Secret superstar" !
* taking it to the stars *
* emotion lotion
* yeah
* i'm a superstar
* in a superstar machine *
* taking it to the stars *
* emotion lotion
I didn't know anyone was...
Have you been there the whole time ?
Let me tell you something, kid.
You got the goods.
Really ?
* i'm a superstar in a superstar machine *
* taking it to the stars *
* emotion lotion
* superstar
* i'm a superstar machine *
* taking it to the stars *
* emotion lotion...
( Car horn playing emotion lotion song )
* i'm a sushi bar in a sushi bar machine *
* taking all i can eat *
* just for the halibut
* sushi bar in a sushi bar machine *
* in a superstar machine
Hey mike, it's glen, i'm back.
Yeah.
So listen, it's like i'm saying, alright ?
The guy who played the dad on "lassie" invented l.S.D.
Dude, fucking no way, man.
I'll bet you anything.
I'll bet you two hours worth of phone sex.
Two hours worth of phone sex ?
Okay, you're on.
Okay, i'm on the web.
I'm at the lassie site.
Here's his bio.
Oh, shit ! You're right !
I told you, man, alright.
Two hours worth of phone sex.
Yeah, whatever.
Cool, i'm calling now.
Hey, that's a little more information than i needed.
Hey, buddy. I got that--
( Phone )
Yeah, glen peterson.
I want to talk to the hottest, horniest slut you got.
Hey, mike ? Call me "thor".
Mike, what are you doing, man ?
Well, you know, phone sex.
Yeah, i'm not gonna do it.
Call one of those numbers and send me the bill.
Glen, glen, i don't want your money.
Well then, forget about it.
Dude ! You lost the bet !
Now i'm calling back,
So disguise your voice, you dumb dick.
( Phone )
Horny slut hotline,
This is peppermint speaking.
Hello, peterson, is that you ?
Oh, mrs. Cooper, i'm sorry,
I was just having a josh there.
Well, i hope so.
Get the evans file on my desk before you go home tonight.
Yes, ma'am.
( Phone )
Glen peterson.
Hey, it's thor.
Hey mike, what the fuck, man ?
You were gonna call right back, you almost got me fired !
I wanted to give you time to get into character.
Listen, mike-- Call me "thor".
Let me see if one of our operators is free.
Hey...
This is peppermint.
Yeah ? Hey, well,
I got my pants down, peppermint,
What do you think of thor's hammer ?
Terrific.
Yeah ? What do you want to do to it ?
Oh, i want to do all sorts of naughty things with it.
It's just so big, though.
It's kind of scary.
I just love working this big monster of yours.
Okay, okay.
Okay, glen.
You through already ?
Fuck yeah, man, you should see all this.
An hour and 57 minutes more you owe me.
I want that file. Yes, ma'am.
( Phone )
Hey.
( Male ) hello, this is thor.
Jesus, thor, don't you take a break ?
Hold on.
Hey, this is peppermint.
Did you miss me ?
Hey, peppermint, yeah.
Do you feel like being bad with peppermint ?
So bad, so bad.
Hold on, i got another call.
Stay on the line.
Hey, glen peterson.
Hey man, it's me, mike.
I just wanted to say, man, you were amazing.
Mike, i got you holding on the other line.
That ain't me.
Shit ! Hold on.
Alright, whoever this is, fuck off.
Hey man, c'mon, you already got me so worked up.
You're good.
Really ?
Yeah, really.
I mean, you say all the right things.
Listen, could i talk to peppermint again ?
Well, yeah.
Hey, this is peppermint.
I hear my favorite customer has an attack of the hornies.
Peppermint's here to make it all better.
Peterson !
That is it, pervert, get your shit and get out !
You're just jealous
'Cause i'm more of a woman than you'll ever be.
( Female ) hey guys,
If you're in the mood for some steamy sex chat,
There's only one glen peterson.
When i first heard
That glen was a dude and not a chick,
I wanted to call a chick.
But glen's a dude's dude
Who really knows what dudes want to hear
When they're imagining talking to a chick.
How's that ? I don't know.
You gotta make me think that this guy thinks
That this glen guy is the hottest chick in the world.
So maybe an english accent ?
Yes.
( Male ) next.
Good luck.
Denny woodkin ?
Yeah, right here.
Great, hi.
This way. This is norm, the producer.
Hi.
I'm denny woodkin.
And the monologue that i'll be performing now
Is from the play entitled the audition,
By gavin hollerwood.
Well, how apropos.
You can start any time.
Okay.
Can i use this chair ?
Sure.
No, i started it.
That's part of the monologue.
I thought you were asking us to--
No, i was doing it.
Can i use this chair ?
Yeah.
No, no, no.
One to one.
I'm sorry.
Let me--
Yeah, start again.
Can i use this chair ?
Seriously, can i use it ?
Hello !
I need it...
For the audition.
Could somebody answer me ?
Jesus, talk to me !
Yeah, it's fine. No !
Okay, okay, okay.
We'll get it this time.
Can i start again ?
Please do. Can i use this chair ?
Yea--
Seriously, can i use it ?
Hello.
I need it for the audition.
Could somebody answer me ?
Jesus, talk to me !
I'm a human being up here, for god's sakes.
Don't just look at each other, answer me. Can i use it ?!
Yes. No !
That's in there ?
"Don't just look at each other" ?
Exactly when we did it ?
Yes. It's a good play.
I guess so.
I mean, it comes from experience.
From a real place.
Okay.
I'll start again.
Can i use this chair ?
Seriously, can i use it ?
Hello.
I need it for the audition.
Could somebody answer me ?
Jesus, talk to me.
I mean, i'm a human being up here, for god's sakes.
Don't just look at each other, answer me ! Can i use it ?
God !
Oh, fuck.
You know...
You guys sit there.
You in your stupid designer tie,
And you in your dumb-Ass glasses
And imported bottle of water.
Sitting looking down at the lowly actor on stage.
Getting off on your power trip.
Well you know what ? Fuck you.
I don't need to be in your dumb-Ass sitcom,
It's fucking retarded, it's not funny.
I read it, it's never gonna work.
Fuck you guys, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Whoa. That was weird.
What was it ?
End scene.
Great ! No !
God !
Let me start again. Can i use this chair ?
Kid, kid, kid ! We've seen enough.
You got the goods.
Really ?
* kids and dads
* dads and kids
* you and me, a family tree *
* who would have known
* yes, who would've knew *
* that kid would grow up to be you *
What the heck ? Turn off that tv !
Turn off that-- Did you hear me, mister ?
Turn off the tv,
And go get up and help with dinner.
Do it ! Go !
Alright, alright.
No !
( Laughing )
He got me.
( Rhonda ) turn it off, dale, c'mon !
Okay, alright.
I'm sick and tired.
How many times have i asked you to turn it off ?
I asked you like 20 different times.
Shut up and turn it off.
( Rhonda ) we're like any family.
We fight but we love each other.
We just have dreams for our little one.
We travel around, do the circuit, you know.
Some women, they try to force their babies into this.
And i don't think that's right.
Our baby wants to do it.
Our baby loves the glamour and attention.
( Dale ) yeah, our baby's already won a scholarship
To miss lily's finishing school.
( Interviewer ) what's that ?
That's a school where they teach you how to finish
Stuff.
( Emcee ) okay, let's welcome our next contestant
In the pageant.
( Applause )
( Dr. Yoburg ) see, what i can do with these fetuses
Is liter-Arily a miracle, okay ?
I can surgically apply make-Up,
False eyelashes, whatever.
Liposuction baby fat.
These fetuses are happy, they come out--
You got to see them. They have such high self-Esteem.
They can't wait to be born.
They are so happy !
There's all kinds of ways you gotta spend money on.
I work a bunch of different jobs,
So we can keep getting in all the different embryo shows.
My regular 9 to 5 job
Is at the pork rind factory.
That don't pay so good.
No, but, it's alright
Because they give you all the irregular pork rinds, all you can eat.
Yeah.
And the old baby, the old baby loves them.
Look at her. She loves them.
She eats them breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Yeah.
Also i have
My toilet on wheels business.
That's right.
We just got a second one of them.
Hey there, honey.
I mortgaged off the first one.
Ah, hell.
It's going good, i think it's gonna go good.
It's gonna go good.
Three hundred ? I thought it was two hundred.
I know, sweet pea,
But the banners cost us a little more than we expected.
All we got is two hundred.
That's it.
God, i am so sorry.
But we drove all the way here.
God, i know.
Dale ?
Sweetie, i--
Honey.
Alright.
I suppose i can take a 4th job.
Hey there, mr. Van-Ernie.
Hey, dale, she's been acting up again.
Yeah.
( Dale ) i took a extra, extra job.
Down at the circus,
Mr. Van-Ernie has me kiss the elephants' asses.
I don't know exactly what it is.
Whether it's the sound or the feeling,
But the elephants love it.
( Elephant trumpeting )
Am i a pioneer ?
I suppose so.
( Interviewer ) i didn't ask that.
Well...
It's a very expensive procedure.
Thank you for coming to the pageant.
Here to judge our "golden days of hollywood pageant",
We're proud to have our celebrity judges,
From the tv show daddy's little fatsy,
Miss samantha donner !
Morning radio personality, crazy uncle gerny !
And from europe,
The royal dutch of dukes.
Look how pretty you are.
See how pretty you are.
It's time for the moment everybody has been waiting for.
The winner
Of the "golden days of hollywood pageant" is...
The crow fetus !
* there it goes
* the winner of the show... *
* those lips, those cheeks, those eyes *
* it's the winner of the show *
* it's the winner
* of the show
This is a fine dining restaurant.
This man claims to be the royal dutch of dukes.
The real royal dutch of dukes is a frequent guest here.
Please escort this false royal dutch of dukes away forthwith !
I'm gonna kick your ass, pierre.
This is so sweet.
Yeah. This is classy, huh ?
This restaurant is fantastic.
Yeah, they gave it another star. Six stars.
I mean it's the ultimate dining experience.
For the ultimate lady experience.
I trust everything is to monsieur's satisfaction.
Oh yeah, it's incredible.
Sweetie, will you excuse me for just a moment ?
I'm just going to wash my hands.
Nonsense, madam.
Le hand washer !
Wow, how fancy !
Wow.
Does madam and monsieur require anything else ?
No, we're good.
Very well. I shall bring your entrees.
Entree, do it !
Oh, wow.
Oh, boy, alright.
Wow.
Thank you.
C'est bon. C'est bon.
Excuse me for just a second.
Sir, is there a problem ?
No. Where are the restrooms ?
No.
No, i mean the men's room ?
Shh, sir, please.
We do not have such a thing.
The burgundy loaf prides itself
As the epitome of class and distinction.
And we would not soil our atmosphere
With a men's toilet room.
It's too crude-Ete to imagine.
Couldn't you just hold it in ?
No, i can't.
Madam, monsieur,
Everything is taken care of.
Voila, the chair.
Crafted from brazilian mahogany.
Le box !
The box, hand-Crafted with italian gold leaf.
Inside, a velvet lining
To cradle monsieur's leavings
With the tender delicacy of a devoted mother.
Monsieur may sit,
Enjoy his meal, and perform his task at leisure.
You want me to shit in a box while i'm eating dinner ?
When monsieur is all vacant,
We will deliver the box to his home,
First class, courtesy of the burgundy loaf.
( Clearing throat )
Yes.
Shorts off.
Rudy !
Rudy will await your foundation.
Enjoy your meal.
The sea bass is excellent.
This cream sauce is so light.
I can't wait to meet your parents.
Yeah.
Sir, please relax.
Rudy will wait as long as need be.
Yeah, you relax.
Let your ass do the talking.
Rudy !
So, umm...
Yeah, my parents can't wait to meet you...
Too.
How's the duck ?
I bet it's good.
( Farting )
Hey, speaking of ducks, i hear some quacking.
Rudy, please !
So, uh...
You better be careful,
Or my mom's gonna bore you with her garden stories.
Thanks for the advance warning.
Hey there, general, you deployed any troops yet ?
Rudy !
Hey !
Now that's what i'm talking about.
You folks have a good evening.
Do you have any toilet paper ?
Shh.
We do not have something as crude as toilet paper.
Frenchy !
( With cockney accent ) hello, guv'nor !
Well, no need to fumigate this month.
You will love frenchy's humor.
We all do.
I know.
How about molly here ?
She's always nice and mild for the bum of a gentleman.
Here we are.
Okay. All right.
Alright. If you would, sir.
( Whistling )
You know,
Me and me brushes, we've been everywhere.
From waterloo to tian'anmen square.
Ain't that right, molly ?
Up, up and away.
* it's me, frenchy
* flying over the neighborhood *
* handing out the boxes *
* because frenchy's got the goods *
* if you see me coming *
Give a wink and a nod.
* here's a little gift that *
* came out of your bod *
* it's me, frenchy
* flying over the neighborhood *
* handing out the boxes *
* because frenchy's got the goods *
Frenchy's got the goods !
Goodnight, everybody. Thanks for coming--
What is it ?
Oh, my god, it's a week late.
I should've gotten this thing a week ago !